Forgiveness - The Only Option?
By Jacob Dwyer
With the opportunity to delve deep in a smaller group, our WordView session on ‘Forgiveness’ sought to better understand how this concept affects and influences our interactions. Enjoy some highlights from the discussion below.
What is Forgiveness?
I was happy that we discussed forgiveness because it is a term that I feel is often taken for granted in conversations around harm, discrimination, and self-care, but we rarely take the time to think about it. In our conversation, we first started by identifying the types of forgiveness -- forgiveness sought and forgiveness given, as well as forgiveness in relation to others and forgiveness in relation to ourselves. We understood forgiveness as a state where the negative emotions surrounding an individual or event are removed but the relationship still remains. In true forgiveness, we are able to maintain the unity of our community and, in thinking about this, we realized how forgiveness may actually be more difficult, and rarer, than we thought. More often than not, we simply seek ways to move on that do not involve mending that relationship, which is not true forgiveness.
What are obstacles to forgiveness?
Forgiveness is often expected of us, as well as of others who have harmed us, but we found that there are several obstacles that may stand in the way. Although some of us identified other obstacles, the most prominent was our dignity. All of us could think of a time when we felt slighted by someone and, although the other person may also feel hurt, we feel - nay know - we’re in the right. If we offer our forgiveness first, it would feel like we are denying our righthood. Another consideration is that the other person, after receiving our forgiveness, would not reciprocate, meaning we would be stuck with the negative emotions and the relationships would not be healed. In our discussion, we identified that putting our dignity on the line in such a way is only possible within a small circle -- family and perhaps close friends -- while others do not automatically receive this luxury.
Do we always need to forgive?
In identifying that the main obstacle to forgiveness is our dignity, the next immediate question was ‘Do we need to?’ Every one of us shared a circumstance where reaching a point of forgiveness abutted with our sense of dignity. Harms or smaller slights from people not as close to us made forgiveness seem too precious to give. In those circumstances, we thought of other possibilities that we can pursue. We can detach and remove our personal investment. We can lower our expectations. While we aren’t necessarily resolving the situation, nor mending the relationship, we found that we are still able to function and move forward. Since this is the main reason why forgiveness is supported as “the best solution”, if we are able to achieve the same solution (moving forward) by distancing or detaching, then it cannot be the only option. If time and distance can help remove the negative emotions, then perhaps forgiveness isn’t always the ultimate solution.
What if the person is close to us - do we have to forgive them?
However, for people who are close to us, particularly family and close friends, detaching is much more difficult and, at times, can even be alienating. Even worse, because these are people close to us, when they cause us pain, those hurts are often so deep, so personal, that forgiveness feels too far away to be possible. So how do we cope? In our conversation, we realized we all held on to some of this pain in some way. We discussed how people cope without an opportunity to forgive. Some tried to move forward by looking at other examples of when the person who harmed had supported us, thereby finding a basis for forgiveness upon the assumption that these feelings still existed and the person had simply faulted, but foregoing justice in the process. Without an opportunity to achieve justice, some lowered their expectations of these loved ones and limited what those who had harmed could see in order to protect themselves. And detachment is still an option. In the queer tradition of finding our own families, such close intimate bonds are not reserved for family alone. Rather, we can foster these with others whom we trust.
So, when should we forgive?
In talking through these various options, the most liberating piece of the conversation for me was the recognition that we do not have to forgive. We discussed how, in pursuing forgiveness, we feel at fault for not providing it sooner. But in reality offering forgiveness is a huge undertaking, one that cannot and should not be rushed, nor made an ultimatum. Instead, if both parties want to mend the relationship, then there are avenues for doing so (listening without judgment, sharing emotions and values). However, if its a one-sided situation, which is often the case, we should not hold ourselves to always providing forgiveness. Instead, we have the agency to choose from multiple options based on where we’re at, how we are feeling, and what we think is the best path forward. And if forgiveness is what we deem best, then that is how we should proceed. But there are always other options on the table to preserve ourselves and our dignity.