Don’t Engage in Canceling People; Engage in a Conflict with them
By Pushpa Iyer
The former is always better, without a doubt. But unfortunately, most people today would rather cancel someone than constructively engage in conflict with someone else.
Canceling someone is easy; it is lazy because it does not require us to do much more than make a lot of noise and bully someone by naming and shaming them publicly. Yes, I say it bluntly because I have honestly not seen or experienced anything positive in dismissing human beings from any space. Research proves that people are not inclined to change their behavior when they are named and shamed publicly, and the outcome of such an approach breaks the community and the individuals concerned. See this, this, and this article to understand the harmful effects of cancel culture. Canceling is different from calling out, which involves naming the harm someone has caused another but can also be harmful if done wrong, which is usually the case (see, for example, this, this, and this article to understand how calling out can have negative consequences).
Loretta Ross suggests we try calling in instead of calling our people. See this, this, and this to learn more about calling in and how it can positively change behaviors. Calling in involves drawing the “perpetrator” to engage with those who have experienced harm privately and respectfully.
Engaging in conflict involves calling in and more. It is more challenging than calling out for being in a conflict requires us to look deeply into ourselves, muster up the courage to talk to someone we have othered or have been othered by, address the issues that caused harm and find a resolution together. Conflict can be good (see this and this); it can ensure the status quo is disrupted and usher in social change. But on the other hand, conflict can lead to damage, destruction, loss, violence, and more if not managed. Here is where strategies like calling in can be helpful because it ensures that we do not carry on as usual, but at the same time, we manage the process to get to the change we want to see.
Engaging with others may even give us greater clarity in highlighting our experiences, feelings, and fears and situating all of them in the context of the conflict. To quote adrienne maree brown from her book, We will Not Cancel Us, it could help us “make the distinction between the harm caused to us from abuse vs. the harm that is caused to us by being in conflict. Not every instance of harm should be understood through a lens of violence, abuse, and victimization.” When everything is perceived as abuse through a lens of victimhood, we can only engage in call-out and cancel culture. However, when we locate our hurt and harm in the context of a conflict with people we disagree with, we are more likely to find a resolution to our conflict and come out of it with our relationships transformed but still a community, maybe even a stronger community. This is because the resolution of conflict involves addressing the root cause of the conflict. This is the systemic change we need to ensure that similar incidents of harm do not re-occur.
How do we engage in conflict? How can we ensure that the process is managed so that conflict is productive and ushers social change?
Do not fear conflict. Conflict is natural and universal for humans.
Avoiding conflict, especially when it comes to discrimination, is like being neutral or silent – no different from you becoming a part of the crime (marginalization or discrimination of someone)
If you risk adverse consequences when engaging in a conflict with someone powerful, ensure you have others accompanying you as a witness.
Bring in a third-party (someone who is not a part of the conflict) to assist you and the person you have a conflict with to set up a conflict process and help the conflicting parties listen to each other.
Being in conflict is not a sign of being difficult; if someone tells you so, educate them.
Engage in resolving the inter-personal issues but keep your eye on eliminating the root causes of the conflict.
Set up accountability practices as part of the conflict resolution process to ensure conflicts do not re-emerge.
Stay curious – ask questions rather than be positional by stating what you want; instead, present your needs and hopes.
Have impact conversations and refrain from having intent conversations.
Display concern for others while ensuring you are caring for yourself too.
Engage in conflict, not cancel culture. Engage in changing the system; not to vilify and dehumanize others even if they have harmed us. Engage to listen and not win the contest of who speaks the loudest. Engage because you truly care.