WHAT CAN I DO?
Theme 1 Perspective 1
July 2026
by Pushpa Iyer
When I was hurt by a word or phrase someone used
This is for you if a word or phrase someone used — in a meeting, a classroom, a conversation, a community gathering — hurt you. You may or may not know if they meant it, depending on your relationship with them and your experience of who they are. But you felt it. And you are still feeling it. What can you do?
NAME: What happened? A word or phrase hurt you. Start there.
Something happened. A word or phrase was used that hurt you. Sometimes the harm is personal. Sometimes it reflects larger histories of exclusion and systemic inequality. If this word or phrase carries an established history of harm, or if this is part of a pattern of behavior, consider formal action: reporting to HR, filing an institutional complaint, or pursuing legal or punitive remedies. This is a legitimate and courageous response. For every other scenario, start here.
Start with what you felt in your body, in that moment. Hurt, anger, confusion, shock, sadness, exhaustion. Name the feeling before you name anything else.
Think about the people involved. The person(s) who said the word or phrase, and other people who heard them say it. What do you know about all these people? Do you carry any biases, prejudices, or positive feelings toward this person or their identity?
Has this happened before with the same person(s) or someone else? Does this word or phrase carry accumulated hurt? What does the word mean to you, your community, and your identity? Have you shared with them how you feel about this word or phrase, now or in the past?
What is the context in which this particular word was said? Given the context, what are your primary concerns about what might happen depending on how this conflict is resolved? What do you need?
WITNESS: What is true for you right now? Stay with your experience.
You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. You do not have to manage your reaction for anyone else's comfort. Anger is completely acceptable. Do not be afraid to show your emotions, but be careful not to lash out at anyone in particular. Showing your emotions is vulnerability. Not attacking someone is control. Together, they show true courage. They turn a difficult exchange into a value-based encounter.
Consider the broader context. Are power dynamics shaping this interaction? Think about who holds authority, whose identity is at stake, and who is most vulnerable.
Was the word or phrase intended to hurt? Are you certain or uncertain? Separate the impact it had on you from whether you believe the person intended to hurt. Hold the tension. The hurt is real regardless.
If you have a relationship with this person(s), think about all of your interactions, past examples that help you understand who they really are.
You do not have to forgive quickly or at all. Forgiveness is not a prerequisite for moving forward. Take the time you need.
Justice is not the only outcome. You get to decide what this moment asks of you. Confrontation is one option, not the only one. Be mindful of the relationships you must continue navigating. Justice can take many forms - explore these.
You may feel pressure to restore comfort for others, but resist it. Others, both the person(s) who hurt you and bystanders, may not know how to handle their guilt, and that may get directed at you. Stay grounded. Be aware that they may hurt you more if the situation escalates. Seek support if necessary. Surround yourself with people who are loyal to you but honest about the situation, that is, they are neutral on the issue but partial to your well-being. The most important thing is to take all necessary steps to keep yourself safe.
Now turn inward. If you are seeking an apology, think carefully about what you actually need from it. An apology is one form of acknowledgment, but it may not be what will help you heal or feel heard. Do you need to be believed? Do you need a change in behavior? Do you need the institution to act? Naming what you truly need will serve you better than insisting on an apology that, even when offered genuinely, may not provide what you were really looking for. If an apology is what you need, think about what would make it feel real rather than performative: does it name what was said, does it acknowledge the hurt, does it carry no conditions? And ask yourself honestly: are you ready to receive it?
If this is a workplace situation, document everything immediately. You will be surprised how quickly you can forget and how much recollections can vary. It also showcases your honesty if you write down everything others said and your own responses immediately, including the emotional ones.
ACT: What response aligns with your values? Choose thoughtfully.
Action can take many forms: conversation, boundary-setting, seeking support, documentation, reporting, institutional intervention, or choosing not to engage.
Reflect before you respond. Give yourself time before deciding whether and how to address what happened. You are not obligated to act immediately. Continue to engage with the person(s) who said the hurtful word or phrase, if you can, and separate yourself from them if you cannot until you have decided your next course of action.
Educate yourself about the word or phrase that hurt you. Understand the history it carries and the hurt it has caused. Explore cultural notions associated with the word, especially if the other person is from a different culture. This knowledge is for your own clarity, not to prepare a case, but to stand on firmer ground.
When you engage, be very mindful of whether you want to target what was said or make accusations that target the very identity of the person who said those words or phrases. The latter may be justified if there is a long-standing history with this person making such remarks. If not, it might be better to manage the conflict by separating the person from the problem.
Decide whether to engage and on your terms. If you choose to address it, do so when you are ready, in a setting where you feel safe, with a clear sense of what you need from the conversation. You are not required to confront anyone. If you would rather have someone help you, reach out to them. Be clear with them about your needs and emotions so they can advocate for you. If you choose not to address it, be clear on why and ensure there is no lingering resentment. If the word or phrase has an established history of harm or is part of a pattern, formal action, including legal or punitive remedies, is a legitimate and courageous response.
Find an ally. Before you engage this person(s), consider brainstorming with people you trust, an ally. Be as clear as you can, in your head and in your heart, about your emotions, your logic, and your values going into this conversation. Holding someone accountable for what they said is right and necessary. Erasing someone completely from community, work, or public life (what many call cancel culture) is not the answer. Accountability asks people to reckon with what they did and offers the possibility of change. Erasure removes that possibility entirely, and it is never justified as a conflict resolution strategy. Seek accountability, not erasure. An ally helps ensure you do not cause harm to another while seeking to correct the hurt done to you.
Restore yourself. Stop giving the person who hurt you space in your head. Come back to yourself, your values, and what matters to you. What happened is big, and your response, however small, is part of changing it.
A Cautionary Word
Some conflicts involve severe harm, trauma, abuse, or threats to safety. In such situations, this framework is only one part of the response. Professional, institutional, legal, or safety-based intervention may be necessary.
A final word
You did not create this situation. You are not responsible for resolving it alone. What you are responsible for is staying true to yourself, naming what hurt you, witnessing it honestly, and acting from your values when you are ready. That is enough. That is, in fact, everything.
The Takeaway
Intent does not cancel impact. Impact does not determine intent.
What Can I Do? is a monthly series grounded in the scholarship of conflict resolution and transformation, restorative justice, and the Compassionate Courage framework. The latter was developed at the Center for Conflict Studies, where we teach conflict resolution skills, train practitioners and educators, facilitate dialogue and workshops, offer consulting to organizations and institutions, and provide resources for navigating conflict in everyday life. Each perspective addresses one real conflict challenge with clarity, honesty, and actionable steps. Free to download, use, or share with attribution to Pushpa Iyer, Ph.D., Director, Center for Conflict Studies.
