WHAT CAN I DO?
Theme 1 Perspective 3
July 2026
by Pushpa Iyer
WHEN A WORD OR PHRASE HURTS
When I witnessed someone hurt by a word or phrase
You were in the room when it happened. Someone used a word or phrase that hurt someone else. Maybe you stayed silent. Maybe you tried to help, and it made things worse. Maybe it happened a long time ago, and you are still carrying it. Maybe you want to be ready for next time. What can you do?
NAME: What happened? What did you do?
Something happened. Someone said a word or phrase to another person. You were there. You saw it happen, you heard the words, and you noticed a person was hurt. Those are the facts. Focus on it.
Start with the actual word or phrase. What was said? By whom? To whom? In what context? What happened in the room after? Who else was present? Be as specific as you can.
Does this word or phrase carry a history of harm? Were you aware of it?
What did you feel in that moment? Discomfort, shock, confusion, fear. Witnesses feel things too, and those feelings matter. They shape what you do next.
What is your relationship with the two people involved? Does your history with either of them shape how you saw what happened? Do you trust one more than the other? Are there biases, prejudices, loyalties, or past experiences that influenced your first reaction?
What assumptions did you make in that moment? About the speaker's intent, the impact on the other person, or what should happen next? What did you actually know, and what were you filling in for yourself?
Is there a power relationship between you and either of the people involved? Does either person hold authority over you? Do you hold authority over them? How might those relationships shape what you noticed, what you believed, or what you felt able to do?
Name what you did. Did you stay silent? Did you try to intervene? Did you speak up, and did it go well? Did you try to help, and it made things worse? Be honest. There is no shame in naming what happened, only information.
If you stayed silent, name why. Fear of making it worse? Not knowing what to say? Protecting your own position? Uncertainty about what you saw. All of these are real. Name the actual reason, be as honest as you can.
Did you laugh, smile, or find the moment funny? That too is a response worth naming. Discomfort sometimes expresses itself as humor. What felt like a nervous reaction to you may have come across as mockery or dismissal to the person who was hurt. Name it honestly before deciding what it means.
If you intervened and it made things worse: name what happened. Did you center yourself? Did you speak to the person who was hurt? Did your intervention get used against them? Understanding what went wrong is the first step toward doing better.
REFLECT: Sit with your role in what happened
You did not act. You stayed silent. Silence is a choice you made. It communicates to the person who was hurt that the room will not hold them. It communicates to the person who said the word or phrase that they have impunity from you. If you stayed silent, sit with that honestly. Not as self-punishment, but to understand what it costs one person, what it costs you, and how someone else benefited from the whole interaction.
Good intentions are not enough. You intervened and made things worse. Everyone is angry with you. Was it your behavior, as in body language, that was the problem, your words, your lack of knowledge, or was it because you were misinformed? Did your biases and prejudices of those involved affect you? Your intention to help does not undo the impact of what happened. Hold both: you tried to do the right thing, and something went wrong. Both are true. How are you feeling?
You intervened, and it actually worked. You were able to take a stand. Well done. Are you feeling like you're letting one side down? Was that your intention?
Suppose you were not the only witness. What role did the others play? How did their responses shape yours?
Examine your own discomfort. Witnesses often act, or fail to act, based on their own discomfort rather than the needs of the person who was hurt. Ask yourself honestly: was your response, or your silence, about them or about you?
As you continue to reflect, remain open to the possibility that your understanding of what happened may change as new information emerges.
What kind of witness did your position allow you to be? Did you have more power, more social capital, or more safety than the person who was hurt? Or did your own position make speaking up feel risky? What would it have cost you to intervene? What did it cost the other person when you did not? Be honest about both your opportunities and your constraints.
You are not the main character in this story. The person who was hurt is. Everything you witnessed, felt, and did exists in relation to their experience, not at the center of it. Keep that in mind as you reflect.
You are also not the judge or the jury. You are a witness. Did you rush to conclusions about either person? Did you assume you knew the speaker's intent? Did you decide the other person was overreacting? Did you vilify or dehumanize the person who used the hurtful word or phrase? Or did you dismiss the experience of the person who was hurt? Hold everyone accountable, including yourself, but stay true to your values. Accountability does not require dehumanization.
ACT: With courage and compassion
Act from the understanding you have gained, not from the pressure to do something quickly. Courage is not measured by how visible your response is, but by whether your actions reduce harm and remain true to your values.
Check in with the person who was hurt. Check in privately with the person who was hurt, if possible, before you do anything else. Ask what they need, rather than assume. Do not make your support based on your own feelings about what happened.
Address what happened, even after the moment. If you stayed silent in the moment, it is not too late to check in with the person who was hurt, address the person who caused harm, or name what happened in an appropriate space.
Engage the person who caused harm. Talking to the person who caused the harm does not make you a bad person. Harm does not rub off on you. Sometimes people distance themselves because they believe they must not be seen with the person who caused harm. As a witness, however, you have an opportunity to understand what happened more fully. You may have questions that only they can answer. Listening is not the same as excusing. Understanding is not the same as agreeing.
Action does not have to happen in public. You may choose to work behind the scenes, especially if a public response could increase harm or make the situation less safe for those involved. At the same time, remember that the person who was hurt may long for a public acknowledgment of their experience. That need is understandable. Sometimes public solidarity is essential. At other times, quiet diplomacy creates opportunities that public confrontation cannot. Let your response be guided by what will genuinely reduce harm, not by appearances.
Report abuse. If there is a historical harm associated with the word, be sure to report it to the appropriate authorities. Not because you believe someone must be punished, but because the person who has experienced harm must receive support. However, once you have reported, you become a party to the conflict and must hold the person you reported to accountable as well, to ensure they do not cause further harm.
Think beyond the moment. Act on what you witnessed beyond the individual moment. If this is a pattern, name it in appropriate spaces: team meetings, supervisory conversations, policy discussions. The person who was hurt should not be the only one carrying the weight of change.
Do not force apology, forgiveness, or justice. None of these can be demanded on cue. You may have opinions about what should happen, and you may share them thoughtfully, but these decisions belong to the people most directly affected. If you are a trusted ally, your role is not to pressure anyone toward reconciliation. It is to help create the conditions in which accountability, apology, forgiveness, or justice become genuine possibilities.
Acknowledge if your intervention caused harm. If you intervened and it made things worse, acknowledge that directly. To the person who was hurt. Not to defend yourself, not to explain your intentions, but to take responsibility for the impact of your intervention.
Build your skills. None of us is born knowing how to respond well in conflict. Learning how to intervene effectively is a skill that develops through reflection, practice, and humility. It includes knowing when to speak, how to speak, when to stay quiet, and when to follow the lead of the person who was hurt. Seek out opportunities to learn, practice, and become a more thoughtful witness.
Share what you learn. As your understanding grows, help others understand why certain words and phrases cause harm and how conflicts like these can be handled differently. Include the person who caused the harm if they are willing to learn. The responsibility for education should not rest solely with the person who was hurt. Communities become stronger when the work of learning is shared.
A Cautionary Word
Some conflicts involve severe harm, trauma, abuse, or threats to safety. In such situations, this framework is only one part of the response. Professional, institutional, legal, or safety-based intervention may be necessary.
A Final Word
Most of us will spend far more of our lives witnessing conflict than standing at its center. How we respond in those moments shapes not only the outcome of a single conflict but also the relationships, communities, institutions, and systems we help create. Systems are not abstract. They are built, sustained, and changed through the choices people make every day.
You may not have caused the harm, and you may not be able to resolve it on your own. But you are not powerless. Every thoughtful response helps create the kind of community you want to live in. Let compassion shape how you see people, reflection shape how you understand conflict, and courage shape what you choose to do.
The Takeaway
You are not the main character. You are not the judge or jury. You are not a bystander either. You are a witness. Act accordingly.
What Can I Do? is a monthly series grounded in the scholarship of conflict resolution and transformation, restorative justice, and the Compassionate Courage framework. The latter was developed at the Center for Conflict Studies, where we teach conflict resolution skills, train practitioners and educators, facilitate dialogue and workshops, offer consulting to organizations and institutions, and provide resources for navigating conflict in everyday life. Each perspective addresses one real conflict challenge with clarity, honesty, and actionable steps. Free to download, use, or share with attribution to Pushpa Iyer, Ph.D., Director, Center for Conflict Studies.